I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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