I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
