You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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