Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Randomize
