dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
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