I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
