I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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