If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
