so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
