how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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