i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
