I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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