I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
