I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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