my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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