Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
