your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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