his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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