I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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