About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
