there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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