My underwear smells like fireworks.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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