Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
