i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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