He told me they were just razor bumps!
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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