How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
My vagina is officially offended.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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