True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
