I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Who put my cat in the fridge?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
