"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize