Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
