I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
