textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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