We won't sleep together?
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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