I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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