Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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