to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
