I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
