You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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