After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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