I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
