So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
