i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
