She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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