My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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