The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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