I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Randomize
