I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
17 year olds will be the death of me.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize