My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
