I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
