Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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