Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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