her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
