I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
