Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
