No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
