Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
