White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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