it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
