I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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