he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
